Thanks V, Thanks Anonymous Friend
I feel that lately I’ve been subconsciously calling out for help from my friends, family and otherwise. In a weird sort of way, I think that was why I started this blog as well. I think I found the help I needed in places that I wasn’t really expecting. Today is the first day in a long time that I think I’m going to be able to beat this funk that has been haunting me for close to a year.
Here are some words from Violent Acres, who really made me think about the possible path I might be heading down.
V with her Grandmother:
…she said to me, “All the time I spent in that hellhole, people were constantly trying to convince me that I felt sad because there was something wrong with my brain. But do you want to know what I really learned?”
I leaned in closer, absolutely absorbed by the image of my tough Grandmother who raised her children, nurtured her (Second!) marriage, and was one of the first successful business women of her era spending time in a mental institution. “What Grandma?” I breathlessly inquired.
“I learned that I wasn’t sad because there was something wrong with my brain. I learned that I was sad because my life sucked.”
Initially, I laughed because it was funny to hear my old Grandma use the word ‘sucked’ in a sentence. But after that, I worriedly asked, “Are you saying I shouldn’t seek therapy?”
“No,” she replied, “I’m not saying that at all. What I am saying is that you should be wary of the Doctor who tells you a pill is a fix for your broken mind. The way I see it, you have a lot of reasons to be sad right now. So if that’s what you’re feeling, that seems about right to me.”
V Ranting:
The majority of people aren’t sad because there is something wrong with their brain. They are sad because their lives suck. But rather than admit that to themselves, they run to the Doctor and beg for a diagnosis that alleviates their personal responsibility in this regard. After all, if a man in a white coat tells you’re broken, you never have to worry about fixing yourself. The sad reality is that they’ll spend the rest of their lives switching medications and wondering why nothing they take works and cures their disease. Never once do they consider that the disease is their life and true healing will come once attempts are made to repair it.
If you are sad right now, I want you to consider that perhaps there is nothing wrong with you. Perhaps you are seeing things the way they ought to be seen. Maybe there is just something wrong with the world right now? Instead of popping some pills in the hopes that they will put us on a perpetual even keel, maybe instead we should figure out what is wrong with our society…and fix it.
This could not illustrate my concerns about how I’ve been feeling any better. I am still going to talk to my doctor in two weeks about everything, but I will also tell him how weary I am of taking pills to cure what may not be a problem for me.
My mother has been fairly concerned about me. She has picked up on my so called “personality change” and she recognizes things like this because she is a nurse. Not only that, she and my dad are on anti-depressants now too. She was telling me that it has been an extremely positive thing for their lives. But I don’t know if that’s for me. I had this talk with her about a month ago and she pushed me onto this path. It made me even sicker when she told me that I might not be able to control it. It made it too convenient for me place the blame outward and not to take charge. I don’t know if my early 20s disillusionments are just a cycle. I want to break it myself. I am doing my best to try to make the changes I need to make, but these changes are just not completely feasible. But I am in the home stretch and can make these changes soon, I hope.
V couldn’t have posted that at a better time.
Now, I have been trying to go to my friends subtly, but most of them haven’t been able to pick up on what’s been bothering me. Every so often, I’ll say, “Thing just seem so fucked up”, or “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore”, and I won’t get a substantial response. Just a nod. While I can’t blame them, I just wish that they could see through it. Last night, one of my buddies did. He has really been into Zen and Buddhism lately, and he made an assessment of my life that really rang true.
I have this other symptom that I call the cycling shitlist. For some reason or another, I’ll usually have a problem or beef with someone I know. This will go on for as long as it needs to, sometimes a few days, weeks, or even months. Whenever I resolve it internally, I end up just going on to someone else. I feel like I can’t stop it. My buddy said in response, “You have to figure out what you’re trying to protect or achieve by doing this. I personally think that you hold yourself to such a high personality standard and when people fail to measure up, you find that unacceptable. I think maybe you have to see that we’re all in this together and figure out who you are trying to prove yourself to.”
I thought about this for a while. Who the hell am I trying to prove myself to? It’s definitely not anyone externally. If I’m trying not to prove myself to anyone, what am I trying to prove to myself? I think that is the real question and probably one that I won’t be able to answer briefly. I’ll have to do so another time (or post), but I already have some ideas.
Leave a Reply